Seasons Greetings Fuckwad
by scissorknot
Summary: Characters: Oz Staff. KeywordPhrase: Christmas partygift exchange. Canon. Special Requests: Keep a sense of humor & go wherever the mood strikes


"Why do we have to do this shit?"

"You seem to be in quite the Christmas spirit Claire."

"What can I say Ray, all this store bought joy makes me want to puke. Don't we all have more important things to do besides pretending we all get along and opening shit-tastic presents? You know, like making sure that a riot doesn't break out **again**."

"Claire will you just shut up and not ruin this for everyone else?"

"Eat me Diane."

"Oh honey I don't swing that way."

"Cool it ladies," Warden Glynn boomed as he walked into the break room. "Now lets get this under way before World War III breaks out in here. Who's handing out the presents? McManus?"

"Um… no. Do I look like a fucking elf? Pick someone else?"

"I'll do it," Father Ray said getting out of his seat. "Now the question is how are we doing this? One at a time or all at once?"

"Oh we have to do it one at I time so we can pretend to give two shits about the piece of crap that was picked out for us on the person's ride to work today."

"I hate to be the sad chump who has to open her present. Just remember if it is ticking keep it in the box." Everyone in the room had a good laugh except for Howell who was to busy rolling eyes to care about what Ray said. "All right lets get this show on the road, first up is…" Ray picked up a box and looked at the tag. "McManus. Here you go Tim."

Tim began to open the reindeer wrapping paper trying to guess what the gift was hidden behind the red wrapping paper. With the gift sitting in his lap he looked up at Murray who was smiling like an idiot. "You can suck it Sean." A round of laughter erupted as the looked at the book of Rogaine for Men that Tim was holding up.

"How did you know it was me?" Sean said between burst of laughter.

"Well for one you were the only one smiling like an idiot when I opened it, and you are the only one who is a big enough ass to get me this. Thanks ass."

"It looks like we are off to a good start. And the next lucky contestant is Sister Pete. If this is a gag gift may God have mercy on their soul."

Pete spoke as she unwrapped the box in front of her. "What is this supposed to mean Ray?"

"Nothing. So what did you get?"

"For some reason I think you may know **Ray**." Sister Pete held up a shirt that read, "Beware of the pissed off Nun" and had a picture of her face in the center. "Thanks Ray."

"You know it is the truth. Next up is Warden Glynn."

"Just a warning. Depending on what this is I may fire your ass."

Tim scoffed, "Yeah right Leo. You haven't fired anyone in years. Plus you can't afford to lose anyone right now. Just open your damn present."

Leo flicked Tim off and began to unwrap his box revealing a coffee mug. "A _Wizard of Oz_ mug how nice."

"You don't get it do you?"

"Uh not really Diane. It was a good movie but I really am not that big of a fan"

"This is Oz. You run the place. Like the Wizard did in the movie. So that would make you the Wizard of Oz."

"Right. The Wizard is nice but I think I will stick with Warden. This place gets enough attention as is. I don't feel like adding to that by starting to call myself a Wizard. So who's next, Ray?"

"Diane you're up."

"Thanks Ray." She opened the envelope that was given to her and began to read. She did not try to hide the disgust that was building up inside. "Fuck you Claire."

"What, you don't like my gift? I figured since you and Timmy boy were fucking again you might want to get him checked out. I mean since he sticks his dick in any warm hole."

"You are such a fucking cunt, you little bitch."

"Ah when you say it like that I almost believe you. Hey Ray could you hurry it up I need to get back to AdSeg."

"Anything to get you out of here quicker," He picked up the card that had Claire's name on it and threw it to her."

She ripped open the envelope and looked at its contents. She took the small plastic card out and slid it in her pocket. "Thanks fuckwad. Now I'm leaving."

A weight lifted from the room as soon as Claire had left and a devious smile began to spread across Sister Pete's face. "I glad that worked."

"Glad what worked?" Gloria asked with a confused look on her face. "What did you give her Pete?"

"Just a gift card to Wal-Mart. But I think the card is what pissed her off."

"What?" Gloria picked up the card and read. "Holy shit Pete! 'Didn't know what to get you so I figured that white trash loves Wal-Mart. So here's a gift card.' What happened to the whole love your fellow man thing you preach to all of us?"

"Everyone has their breaking point. Mine was when she insulted my religion. And besides I only spoke the truth. You saw how she took the gift card. I rest my case"

"Pete you can be so evil sometimes."

"Me evil? Parish the thought. Ray doesn't give me that look. Just give out the rest of the presents. How about you give Gloria hers. You never know when suddenly there'll be an emergency in the hospital ward."

"All right. Here you go Gloria."

"Thanks Ray." She took the small box from his hands, and slowly unwrapped the candy cane paper. "What, a tube of pepper sprays? What the hell is this for?"

"In case O'Reily gets too touchy feely around you again."

"Thanks Tim… um I think I am going to keep this at home instead."

"Hey I was just trying to help out the situation. I know how O'Reily can get when he is around you."

"Like I said, thanks, but I would rather take care of that with out resorting to violence. So Ray why don't you take the spotlight of me. Who hasn't opened their gift yet?"

"Let me see. That would be Murray and me. So Sean here you go. Enjoy."

"I wonder what this could be." Sean wasted no time and tore the paper to shreds. "A six pack of Guinness. Considering that the only two gift givers left are Leo and Gloria I am going to assume that this is from Leo. So thanks Leo."

"No problem. You always say how you could use one when you are in the locker room after your shift is over. It seemed like the right present to me."

"Well that just leaves me I guess. I just hope Gloria was a little more mature then some of the other people in the room." Ray took the last present that was under the tree and began to unwrap the box. "Nice Gloria, St. Processus and Martinian I don't have them."

"I know that they are the patron Saints of prison officers but I don't think there is a patron Saint of prison chaplains."

"It is close enough for me. I will put them between my St. Anthony and St. Christopher statues."

"Well I am glad that you like them Ray." For once the mood in Oz was peaceful, but that was soon broken.

Officer Mineo came barreling in to the break room. "Glynn we need SORT in the gym. NOW!"

"What the fuck is going on?"

"There is about to be a riot in the gym between the fucking Nazis and the Muslims and Beecher's dumb ass is right in the middle of it trying to make peace."

"Fuck, party's over. Sean, Tim get back to EM City and lock the place down."

"I better get back to the infirmary. I know I am going to have at least a couple of people to stitch up."

As the room emptied Father Ray and Sister Pete just looked at each other and started to clean up the wrapping paper. Sister Pete shrugged and spoke, "Hum I guess Claire was right. I guess there is a first time for everything. Well Ray looks like we better get back to work too. Merry Christmas."

""Merry Christmas Pete." With that said the two departed the break room, leaving only the small Christmas tree to cast its multi-colored lights in the dreary room.


End file.
